Into the Dark
by Okada Chiaki
Summary: Everyone knows her to be the cheerful type. But when her past comes back to haunt her and hurt everyone around her, there might just be something more to her than what meets the eye. Slight KB. Botan-centric.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho's Botan or any other characters mentioned in this fanfic – basically everything in the show – doesn't belong to me.**

_Chapter 1_

"**_No! Don't touch him! Leave him alone!_**"

"**_Don't waste your breath begging for _****his****_ life. He'll be dead soon enough... Just like you will be next!_**"

"**_I swear... I swear I'll kill you._**"

Amethyst eyes shot open almost instantly. A sweat trickled down pearl white skin. A heavy, exhausted sigh sounded through the air.

She raised a hand through her hair, her blue brows creasing in frustration. How many times was it that she kept having those visions? It kept coming back, no matter how hard she tried to forget. Forget. A weak smile crossed her lips. _That's a hard thing to do_.

The gentle yet chilling breeze blew against her sky blue hair, sending locks of her tresses entering her eyes accidentally. She rubbed her fist against them and decided that it was time to go back to spirit world. She was about to summon her oar, when a loud shout suddenly filled her ears...

"Hey! You come back here! I'm not finished with you yet!"

"Please! Please...! I didn't do anything!"

She proceeded to squint her eyes sharply down below her. One of her pale, petite hands reached for the metal bars of the Mushiyori High School's roof, fingers gripping slightly as she glowered at the sight before her.

A bluenette with slightly spiky hair at the tips gripped at the shirt of the other male, his callous hands tempted to choke on his neck, but he resisted the urge to do so. "I saw you… I saw you drooling over my girl!" he continued to roar angrily.

"N-no! I-I wasn't…!" the poor, short brown-haired bespectacled teenager went on trying to convince him that he was speaking the truth.

Unfortunately, he had no intention of believing him. "Don't lie to me, you punk! I have eyes! And I saw you! Don't even try to give me that bullshit!"

"P-please… Believe me…" Before he could even finish his sentence, the other landed a kick at his stomach. He coughed hard, but no blood came out of his mouth. "P-please don't… Don't do this to me."

"Hmph," the bluenette smirked, "There's no use begging."

"**_Don't waste your breath begging._**"

Botan gave a crooked grin to herself. She remembered those kinds of words very clearly. They repeated over and over again in her head. For years, they had never stopped haunting her.

"**_I'll come back! I'll kill you and everyone you love! Heed my words…_**"

_Hmph. He didn't need to come back. He's already giving me nightmares anyway. Why bother? _She thought sarcastically to herself. Her grin only widening in addition to her musings. She continued to watch what was happening below her. Her hands itched to help the poor thing, to encourage him to fight back… But there was no use. They couldn't see her anyway. She was in her spirit form.

_Like that time… _she reminisced silently. Her bright amethyst eyes darkened all of sudden, before turning into a pair of emotionless orbs. Her mouth hung open slightly. If only she could have saved him that day…

"Botan-san."

Blinking for a couple of times, her eyes returned to their usual color. She turned to look at the owner of the voice, despite already recognizing who it was without needing to do so. "Kurama-kun," she greeted back, her voice lacking the usual cheeriness in it. She knew he noticed, but she didn't expect much of a reaction from him anyway.

"Hello there. I didn't think here would be the place I'd ever see you at," he said curtly and nodded his head once. The wind blew again, whipping against his red locks but none of them bothered those charming, beautiful emerald eyes of his. A small smile was plastered on his full lips. He was aware of her tone earlier, although he decided not to pay it any mind, thinking that she must have dozed off.

She noticed this, but decided not to make any comment about it. He had always amazed her sometimes, how he could remain so calm and look so graceful at the same time… _Then again he _is_ Kurama-kun, right? _She mused humorously to herself, trying to lighten the sudden heavy feeling in her heart.

She looked down once again, and that was when she realized that the two teenagers earlier were no longer there. Her eyes blinked in confused and an unfinished question left her lips, "Wha-? Where…?"

"Ah, you mean those guys?" he replied knowingly, temporarily forgetting his initial thoughts of asking her what exactly she was doing there. "I called a teacher earlier, and he seemed to handle them well. I would have taken the matter into my own hands, but I'm not sure if getting involved into a human fight would be good for me."

"Why?" She grinned at him like a cat. She wondered to herself how long she had dozed off. "Aren't you _the _famous Kurama? The notorious thief? Don't tell me you're scared to fight one human?" she taunted, in spite already knowing his reason. She knew him for years already after all. Admittedly, he wasn't as close to her as Yusuke and Kuwabara were, but he was still easy to get along with.

"Well no, if I must answer," he feigned an exasperated sigh. He then fixed his gaze at her, his eyes glinting in slight mirth, "Let's just put it this way, alright? Imagine what would happen if I got into a fight with him… Someone would have probably seen it, and this might ruin my good record here at Mushiyori if that were to happen. My mother would not be pleased if she would have found out about this."

She nodded. "Perhaps, yes. But, you could have avoided an innocent human from getting beaten up."

"Well, Botan-san. Don't you think it would have been easier to let the adults handle this?"

"Despite knowing for yourself that in fact, you are stronger than he is, and you could have defeated him easily also?" she seemed to test.

"Yes."

A soft giggle erupted from her throat. "I like the way you see things."

"Yes, and it's also an energy savior. It _would_ have been easy to rescue that boy myself, but it would have been easier to call a teacher. Some scenarios would have been prevented that way."

She arched an eyebrow. "And one of the scenarios is?"

"That guy would have provoked me, and I would have accidentally killed him."

"Hmm. And you would have been thrown into spirit world jail."

"Exactly, Botan-san."

"But, Kurama-kun…" She smiled. "I don't think he could provoke you that much. I mean, you have the most self control in our team. Yusuke would have no doubt lost his temper, and kicked his ass, and Hiei would probably try to kill him on the spot. And Kuwabara? Well, hmm, he is the honor type so I think he would have ended up beating him into a pulp, too. You're the only person I know out of the four of you that would walk out from the scene."

He let out a chuckle at her words, not entirely sure if he should be flattered or simply amused. "Anyway, for what purpose have you come to my school?" he changed the subject.

"Eh? Erm… No purpose. I was just done ferrying a soul, and thought of resting here for a bit. It just happened to be a coincidence that I passed by."

"Hmm… I see. I was surprised actually. You never did come to see me in person, unless it's something important."

She laughed. "Well, to be honest, I wasn't expecting to see you either."

"Ah… well, I sensed your energy and that's why I came."

"Huh? Really? I thought even if you did, you wouldn't bother coming all the way up here because you're normally too busy reading a book or learning lessons in class."

"Botan-san… you really didn't pay any attention, eh? It was recess when I caught on your energy."

"Eh?" She blurted out in surprise, scratching the back of her head in embarrassment after she did so. A sheepish smile spread on her face.

He chuckled again. "You must have been thinking too much. What was it about?"

Her face crestfallen. "I…" _The past_, she thought to herself, but said something else, "Uh… I was thinking about how I have a lot of work to do and I should probably go back to spirit world."

He raised one red eyebrow at her. Although he could tell that she was lying – the way her voice sounded panicked, and also her way of getting out of there as soon as he asked that kind of gave it away – but he shrugged it off, thinking that it was perhaps something personal and he shouldn't butt in. So he just gave her a smile and said, "Alright then, I guess I'll see you some other time."

"U-uh, right. Some… other time," she mumbled and before materializing her oar, she smiled back at him, tried to make it look like she wasn't uncomfortable even though she was. "Bye. See you!" she said cheerfully as she hopped on, and flew her way out of there.

Emerald eyes watched her. Staring at her retreating back as her figure started to disappear from his sight. There was a breeze, flowing with his hair as it blew against his body. There was something about her. He had never paid much attention to her, unless he needed to, and almost had never been left alone with her but he knew enough to know that she was always smiling and lifting everyone's spirits' up.

Yet, there was just something.

Something about the look in her eyes.

* * *

><p>That night, Botan tossed and turned in her bed. Her face contorted in anger as she panted. "No… no…" As soon as those worlds passed her lift, her eyes flicked open and she jerked up. She blinked for a few times before realizing that nothing was there. That she was alone in her room.<p>

Nothing was there… She heaved a sigh of relief, and laid herself on the bed again, albeit hesitantly and reluctantly. She stared up the ceiling as if there was something there, and slowly, her eyes closed. Then…

"**_Always the hot headed one, aren't we?_**"

They appeared in her mind, echoing and she jerked up again, getting out of the bed and staggering back as far as she could as if she was just burned. Her back collided against the wall, and she let her feet trembled, they felled and she was instantly aware of her bottom against the cold, hard surface of the floor.

It was cold, just like he was.

Hugging her knees against her chest, she cried, "Why can't you just leave me alone?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Usual disclaimers applied. **

_Chapter 2_

"Are you ill?"

"No," she said, her voice almost lacking emotion, "I told you, I'm fine."

"You look pale these days. I can tell, Botan. Don't lie to me," Koenma replied sternly, his hazel eyes narrowing in a sharp, dangerous way as he attempted to persuade her to tell the truth.

Her eyes shifted, but it was brief, and the prince of spirit world couldn't tell whether he actually saw it or it was just his imagination. "I'm not lying, I'm fine. Okay? I'm just... tired, is all. You haven't been giving me much rest anyway," she offered him a weak smile as she said this.

Koenma sighed heavily, unsure if he should continue this conversation with her. It was obvious his top ferry girl wasn't going to say anything else now about her weakening condition, and he hardly believed she was going to tell him anytime soon.

He would've believed her.

He would've considered her words as the truth.

If it hadn't been for the look in those amethysts. There was a fleeting darkness in them, a haunted look, almost as if she was slowly drowning into the dark. He wasn't sure. But it unnerved him. Something was bothering her, and he got the feeling that that something had to do with a certain someone from her past life. She hadn't been showing any signs of weaknesses, or disturbed by _him_, for all these years she'd work for him but for some reason, Koenma could sensed that man's spirit was slowly eating at her. Not literally, but emotionally. She was traumatized; she told him herself, that she would never forget what happened when she was still human, and the spirit world prince knew she was still haunted by him. In memories, if not, in dreams. And Koenma couldn't help but worry if she was slowly growing sicker because of it.

But, that man was gone. He was long dead. He was no longer there.

Despite Koenma's concern for her well being, the knowledge that the man she held so much hatred and fear for, wasn't there. He wasn't there. Not in human world, nor the spirit world. And not in demon world either. He was gone. He was no longer living. He disappeared. He wasn't there to hurt her. Koenma knew; Botan would get over him someday. Those haunting memories, and visions, would gradually go away one day. And nothing more would be left of him. He would no longer be remembered. By anyone, and most of all, by Botan. She would return back to her cheery self soon. She would.

"I suppose you are right," he finally decided after long moments of silence. "You may leave."

She bowed in respect, and whipped around.

So why?

As he watched her walked out of his office, why did he feel as if this wasn't going to end the way he hoped it would. Something bugged him, for some odd reason he didn't know.

Almost as if the fear of that man coming back to take Botan away was creeping up his skin.

Botan flopped down to her bed, and laid her head tiredly against the soft, fluffy comfort of her pillows. She breathed in before breathing out, and repeated the process over and over again, almost like she was trying to calm down.

She was actually, to tell you the truth.

She wasn't feeling well. She hadn't been feeling so good for these past few days and everyone around her noticed; she could tell. If it hadn't been for those visions – those memories...

Somehow, they were somewhat growing stronger every day. The memories felt almost real to her, as if it was really happening. As if history was repeating itself. Was it? She couldn't tell between reality and illusions lately; everything felt real to her. Yes, she was Botan, the ferry girl. Botan, the ferry girl who always supported team Urameshi. Botan, the happy-go-lucky, always smiling ferry girl. Yes, she was Botan.

And yet, she was Botan, the human, too.

_He _felt real. She could just feel his hands on her, his voice in her ears, and that wicked grin she'd always hated displayed just right in front of her very own eyes.

But he wasn't real.

He was dead, wasn't he?

"_**Oh, is that so? I suppose you don't like it that way, huh?**_**"**

"_**No! Please! I'll do anything! Just don't do hurt him!**_**"**

"_**It's a shame. I think you'll hate me if I were to kill him and I don't want that. But...**_**" **_**Hands clenching around someone's neck, the cold voice continued, "... he had this coming.**_**"**

_**Blood splattered everywhere; all around her feet, her clothes, the walls, the floor, IT WAS EVERYWHERE. She couldn't stand it. She staggered back as he stepped towards her.**_

"_**Oh? What's this? Is my dear, beloved Botan scared of little ol' me?**_**"**

_**He laughed; a cold, merciless, crooked laugh she hated so much. Red liquid trailed, and before she could register where it was going, she felt the warm substance under her feet, coating her shoes with her own beloved's blood.**_

"_**You don't OWN me!**_**"**

Warm and wet tears trailed down her dry cheeks, making her want to scream in frustration. She could just imagine it. Those tears; she could just imagine them turning red, almost as if they were taunting her. Reminding her of what had happened in the past. Reminding her that it was all her fault that everything happened. It was all her fault, and she deserved the blame. She deserved to carry the burden of having these haunting visions of her past on her shoulders.

She let the tears fall; dripping into her pillow and slowly soaking it with wetness; but what she saw wasn't tears, what she saw was red.

She saw blood.

Slowly soaking into her green pillow, and darkening into a dark brown colour.

Botan wasn't sure. Was she going crazy? Was the feeling of her overwhelming regret making her lose her sanity? Was she going insane like those mental patients in mental hospitals in the human world? A low, sad and somewhat dark chuckle escaped her lips.

This wasn't insanity.

This was karma.

For the sins she had done in her past life; for the sin of causing the death of everyone whom she had used to love, for the sin of not being able to protect them. Those were her sins. And she was getting what she deserved for the sins she committed.

She deserved this.

Blood slowly painted her vision. Trickling down the walls of her room, the initial bright pink colour disappearing within seconds as vibrant red quickly replaced them. Then from the walls, to her floor, to her wardrobe, down the wooden surface of her door, and then, red slowly started to drip on her hair. Drip. Drip. Drip.

_It trickled down her pale, white face and she smiled. A small smile that meant everything; It was okay. This was okay... She deserved this. This was right. Let it drown her._

"Just paint everything red."

Came her soft and welcoming yet bitter and pained whisper.

"_**Is that it? I thought you would've at least given me a funnier... reaction...**_**"**

She widened her eyes in shock; that voice... It sounded almost too real. And those words... When had he ever said them? They were new; he had never said that to her!

"W-wha-?"

"_**Ah, surprised?**_**"**

"N-no, t-this can't be happening..."

"_**Oh, but it is.**_**"**

She desperately got out of the bed, her trembling legs moving as fast as they could for the door.

"_**Right in front of your very own eyes...**_**"**

Her hands reached for the doorknob, and pulled.

"**... **_**Botan-chan.**_**"**

But nothing happened. She turned, pulled, and pushed. She did everything but the door wouldn't even budge. That was when she noticed it was slowly fading. The door, the walls, the floor where her feet used to stood on... Everything was fading. At first, slowly but as seconds passed, the process grew faster.

It didn't take long for the darkness to surround her.

She was back to where it had all happened.

Everything. Everything was so dark, she couldn't see anything. Fear overcame her, and she soon started to scream for someone; anyone, asking if they were there. Why? This wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't real, he wasn't real, he wasn't real...

A dark chuckle sounded through the darkness, silencing her screams for help. Darker than the dark surrounding her, it sounded so full with menace and an intent to pull her in, tempting her to come into the dark. But she wouldn't, she couldn't. If she did, she was sure she'd...

A different sound came, and the darkness disappeared all of a sudden. Botan found herself staring up against the faces of Kurama, and Yusuke who both had worried and confused expressions on their faces.'

Yusuke held the doorknob in his hand, and that was when she realized; he had opened the door.

"Oi, Botan. What's wrong? You look pretty bad there. Like you're going to cry or something..."

"Yusuke, she **is **crying..." Kurama's words made her froze.

The tears were still trailing down her cheeks; dripping onto her soft and fluffy white mattress. She hadn't realized she was sitting on the floor this whole time. Refusing to let anyone, much less her friends, to see her in this kind of state that they had never seen her in, Botan wiped off the tears harshly, almost too harsh even.

Kurama grabbed onto her hand, and she stopped. She looked up at him; realizing that he was now bending down so he was eye-leveled with her.

"Don't do that. You will hurt yourself. Now, is something the matter? Did something happen?"

Her body stiffened, before relaxing again. Her eyes suddenly lost the initial fear in them; there was no emotions, almost as if she had gone away to a different world. And then slowly, she blinked, for about three times before emotions slowly returned to her eyes.

But Kurama couldn't help himself from feeling disturbed by the sudden shift in her eyes when he asked her that.

For long moments, they stayed in silence. Until Botan spoke;

"No, it's nothing."

It was all just in her head, right?

... Right?

To reassure both Yusuke and Kurama that she was really okay – because she could tell they weren't convinced by her response –, she added, with a wide smile on her face..."

"I'm fine."

But it was more like she was trying to reassuring herself, instead of them, that she was fine.

She was fine.

She was just fine.

_Nothing happened, nothing happened, nothing happened... If I keep telling myself that, then nothing happened. _


End file.
